In the past year I have noticed just how easy it is to end up in very different life stages from our friends. Just recently, several of my closest friends made some pretty big life decisions and even though I have been so close to them for so long, we are carving our life paths very differently. At first this was really tough for me and I just wanted it to all slow down. It was really hard to say “Good-Bye” but it taught me to embrace change and what the future has to offer. I realized that while being in a different stage from our friends can be tough for so many reasons, it doesn’t have to signal the end of our friendship and it doesn’t mean that these people are leaving you forever.
Here are some ways to support your friends and keep them close even when you feel like you are at different stages in life.
Be Candid
Being candid and communicating about how you truly feel about the situation is so important. You’re at this point where some of your friends are deciding to pack up their things to live or travel the world, some are getting engaged, others are settling down and investing in their careers and some are buying a new place. You feel like there is less time to spend with your friends, and other relationships might take priority. It can start to feel like we have less in common than we used to. You need to be vulnerable and talk about your struggles, celebrate your successes and share your hopes for the future. The authenticity and honesty will help bridge the gap between your different situations in life.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
This might be easier said than done but constantly comparing yourself to others can cause a person to experience greater stress, anxiety, depression and can lead to self-defeating choices. We’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to our friends from time to time. I found myself doing this a lot because it was so hard for me to accept that my friend’s life path was not necessarily “right” for me despite how close we are to one another. When you’re in a different life stage, it’s also hard not to get caught up about who is doing “better” or who seems further ahead. It’s also even harder when you’re the friend who feels behind or feel that your job may be less exciting from your friend. These comparisons can get in the way of your friendship and take away from the life stage you’re actually going through. Recently, I’ve learned to accept that this is how it’s meant to be. Instead of noticing all the ways I felt behind or being overly self critical I realized that I needed to be happy with what I (as an individual) have accomplished. I’ve learned that everyone is struggling with something and their social media is never indicative of the ups and downs that they may be facing, even a close friend. Sometimes you don’t understand how challenging an experience may be until you’ve gone through it yourself.
Expect the Unexpected
Be prepared to be surprised. It’s really common to make assumptions about what the other person is going through especially when you’re in different life stages. These assumptions ultimately lead to distancing ourselves from each other and are usually as a result of a lack of communication because neither of us were comfortable about sharing how we felt about a particular situation. It’s so important to communicate with one another when you’re not sure where they stand and be open about how you feel instead of jumping to conclusions.
Remind Each Other About the “Good Times”
Making new memories is just as important as reminiscing about the old ones. Looking back on why you became friends in the first places goes a long way towards making your friendship last. Bringing up past experiences, old photos, inside jokes and talking about the history you have together can help you feel close even when you’re not together. Making an effort to reminisce, laugh, and even cringe about old stories and memories is important to maintaining a friendship. Remember what brought you together and why you became friends in the first place.
Create New Memories
As I mentioned above remembering your old memories is equally important as creating new ones. Friendships need room for new memories. Remember to set aside time to try new activities with each other and do things together instead of only just connecting over dinner to “catch-up”. Building and maintaining a friendship requires time and consistent effort.
Make New Friends
Although it’s really common that friendships will change or drift apart when we go through transitions in life, we have to be mindful of new friendships. At the same time you have to adjust the terms of your old friendship (how often you see each other and what activities you decide to do), you might consider branching out and making new friends who are in similar stages as you. This doesn’t mean you need to give up on your old friendships and it also doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong or that you’re being a “bad” friend by making new friendships.
Be Happy in Your Current Stage of Life
Being happy in your current stage of life is so important. If you’re feeling upset about how hard it is to keep a friendship going when you’re in different places, it can help to focus on the advantages of your current life stage. Live your best life and keep the things and people that bring you joy.
Changing your perspective on how you view your friends’ life stage is another alternative. It gives you the opportunity to see how you want to tweak your life path. Whether you’re thinking about moving in with your partner, getting married, accepting a promotion, having a child, travelling the world, watching a friend go through a similar experience can help you decide whether it’s something you’re ready for.
How do you maintain your friendships?
Sara Habibovic 